365 days

May 11th, 2009, 8,000 miles away from home, 3:00 am, I toss and turn. Today is the day. We are told to be ready to go at 9:30 am, but at 4, I give into my restlessness and arise. So many emotions swirl that I could not possibly sleep. The day we have waited for over 3 years is finally here, who could sleep? I am sure I paced the floor so many times before we left that I must have worn the carpet. I changed my clothes 3 times.

The ride to the Civil Affairs office was long. I stared out the window watching more people than you could ever imagine on a street in America, go about their daily business. I remember it like yesterday. I have NEVER been more nervous in my life, scared to death of a 5 year old girl. Will she like us? Will she cry? Will she try to run away? Will she recognize us? Every scenario good and bad I played out in my head a 100 times that day.

When we finally made it to the office, it was very hot and small. There were some babies already there, with caregivers, some sleeping some crying, all unrealizing their lives were about to change. There were some parents there too, most of them were Spanish speaking. One by one the babies started being ushered in and handed out, but our Lilly was no where to be seen.

I paced and paced and finally her orphanage director called and said they were running late. I tried to relax and focus on the new families being formed and the beautiful little children. It was a madhouse though, hardly what I had imagined it to be. Surreal.

When I least expected it, she walked in. Expressionless, she looked at us, and studied our features as we did hers. You could tell she was scared, but she did not cry. We were allowed to ask the director some questions about her. She told me that Lilly had thrown up on the way to the office that morning. Ah, she was just as scared as me. She told me how smart Lilly was and how she made her bed nicely everyday. Besides that she had little to say, and did not tell me anything too personal about my child. I can't help but think she did not know about her. in no time we were done. I wish I had some fairy tell story but I do not. That quickly in that loud chaotic room were handed our child. Strangers were now a family.

We left and on the ride back to the hotel there had to be a million things Lilly was thinking. One single tear ran down her cheek as we left all she had ever known behind. That one tear symbolized so much. In that moment I questioned what we were doing to this sweet child and if it was right. That tear broke my heart. She was so brave, she was going through more than any 5 year old ever should have to.

Later that night, and for many months after she cried and grieved for all that was familiar. There is pain in adoption. For us that day was all we had dreamed of, but for our sweet girl, it was a living nightmare. I can not imagine. She has told us since then that she was "very, very scary Momma and Baba, in China, but now I love you."

We celebrate this day as a mark in time, 365 days since we united together, but I feel guilty about it in a way. It was such a traumatic time for her that I hate remembering the pain she felt.

Thank you God for the past 365 days of blessings you have bestowed on us.



For those who have been around for a year now, here is a before and after shot. We put the "China clothes" on (that she REFUSED to change in China) for old times sake. This time 365 days later she was mad that I made her put them on. Sorry I couldn't find an oreo. : )






I will be back soon with my reflections from this year.

Lilly-isms

I thought to mark the one year anniversary of the day we left for China, I would let you in on some insider, one-of -a -kind things about Lilly we have learned in the past year.

1) She loves music...all kinds really, especially Taylor Swift.

2) She loves art, all art, and will use anything as paper, including the wall.

3) Her nickname is 'Little Little", don't ask me why, I do not know, blame it on Baba.

4) She likes to play games, and loves to win. Warning she has been known to cheat.

5) She wants to let her hair grow to her ankles.

6) She would eat at McDonalds everyday, if I would let her.

7) Lilly is the perfect amount of part stubborn, part sweet, mixed with humor.

8) She desperately wants a sister her age, or so she thinks.

9) She has a magnetism that is undeniable.

10) She is as close to perfect as they come, or at least we think so.

Baba's Shadow

About this time last year we were preparing to leave for China to get our sweet girl. So many questions lingered in my mind...there were no answers to find...just questions, on how everything would work out. Often I would talk out loud to my husband saying these things. You know how you will just ask a "what if" question, not really wanting an answer, just someone to ease your mind a bit and tell you all will be fine? One of those. I had said, "What if she doesn't like us?" and I remember Matthews answer, "I know she will like me." "What? How do you know?" " I just know." Hummm, I thought, we will see.

I be darned. He was right. I rarely admit it, but he was right. This child does not LIKE Baba, she LOVES Baba. I mean really, really loves him. I have never seen a kid this crazy about their Dad. It amazes me. She will do anything for Baba, but will fight Mama all day LONG! Its okay though. I am really glad that she loves him so much, and honestly it was instantly, from day one, just as he had predicted. Remember this picture I posted in China? See?




As I type Lilly is on the couch napping with him now. I beg, plead, and bribe her to take a nap. Does she? No. Baba says he feels like napping she curls up with him and sleeps like an angel. Its amazing, and equally baffling. I thought I would win her over eventually, and I have...a little.



If Baba says to do it, she does it. If Baba is doing something, she wants to help. The first words out of her mouth in the morning are, "where is Baba?" So I thought it was only fitting to dedicate a post to Daddy, who is Lilly's very favorite person.

I feel extremely blessed to be married to this wonderful Man. He has been a great provider, supporter, and friend. Wonderful father, and a faithful leader. And now he has a shadow. I think it is precious!

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY LILLY YIN!

Lilly has been so excited that her birthday was coming that we have been counting down for months now! Today is finally the day! We actually had her a party on Sunday and she LOVED all of her gifts and was so happy that everyone came. Sunday night she told me " today was the bestest day ever Mommy, I am so happy that I had a party. It hard to believe at 6 years old this was the FIRST party she had ever had,and the FIRST birthday presents she had ever had. Needless to say we all made up for the lost time because this kid really racked up! She is already anticipating her next birthday....don't rush it Lilly....Mommy is not quite ready for you to grow up so fast! We got her a Barbie Jeep which she LOVES, and I keep thinking in 10 short years she can drive her own Jeep! I see that coming way too quickly!


Of course, I can't let this day go by with out thinking of "China Mommy". I wonder what she is thinking of today 8,000 miles away. Does she feel sadness? Oh I wish there was someway for me to tell her how happy her little girl is. How much love we have for her. How blessed we feel, and mostly how thankful we are that she chose life for her precious child, and how that decision has made all the difference for us.

Happy birthday sweet Lilly Yin, there are many, many more to come!

Deliquent Blogger = ME!

Okay, I admit it! I have been terribly slack about posting. I really have been busy. I will add some thoughtful words later, but for now, just pictures, which is what you all REALLY want to see anyway, right? I mean who could resist seeing more pictures of this precious child?

Two Mommies

I remember pretty much everything about being pregnant, and I feel very blessed to experience it twice. I remember the morning sickness, being tired, and the food cravings. I remember feeling tired, my back aching, and swelling feet, but what I remember the most was the hopes and dreams I had for my unborn child. I imagined what they would look like, what they would smell like, and even how they would sound. I wondered what they would be when they grew up, and dreamed of their future. I waited with anticipation to see the face that I had dreamed of seeing for 9 months. When they were born I sat for hours holding them and taking note of each of their physical features. I held their tiny hands and thought about their future. I prayed I would be the mother they needed me to be. I remember it all like yesterday.

As I recall all these things, I can't help but think about Lilly.

I did not know in a physical way what it was like to carry her inside my body. I did not get to survey her physical characteristic's upon birth. But across this great big Earth 8,000 miles away, there is a woman that does remember. I can only imagine she felt the same things when she was pregnant with Lilly as I felt with my two pregnancies. I am sure she rubbed her belly with anticipation to see the face of this child she was carrying. I am sure she wondered what she would look like, what she would smell like and how she would sound. I can't imagine how she felt the day she was born. Did she look at this daughter and realize that she had to make a choice? Did she search for another way? Did her heartbreak? I can't imagine it any other way. I am sure she studied her features and took note of each of them, knowing all too well that their time was limited. I can imagine that she held her tight to her chest, and tried to remember everything about her.

That is the heart of a mother.

I can't imagine how her heart must have broken when she realized that she was unable to keep this child that she loved. What was running through her mind on the day that she left her? She carefully wrote a note and tucked into this beautiful babies shirt, and waited for the perfect moment to walk away, leaving half of her heart behind, on a bench.... alone.

What does she feel now? I am sure she thinks about Lilly. I am sure she prays for her safety. I would think that thoughts swirl in her mind about what she looks like. Is she happy? Is she healthy? I wish there was someway to tell her those answers....but there is not. And Lilly as she gets older, will wonder those same things.

I know there is no way to know if this is exactly the way that Lilly's China Mommy felt that day. I can only imagine, based upon my own experience as a Mom. I pray for her daily. How can thank you be enough? I may not have had the experience of feeling her grow physically inside of me, but I have had the experience of having the thought of her grown in my heart. I waited for her. I longed to see her face. And now that she is here, I study her features for hours. Her toes, her nose, her ears. I look in her beautiful brown eyes. I hold her sweet little hand. I think and dream of her future. I pray that I will be the mother she needs me to be....just as I have done twice before her.

I hope one day I have the opportunity to thank this Mother for making a choice of hope for her daughter. Maybe if not in this life, I pray in Heaven. Most of all I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be a mother THREE times. Three times the blessing, three times the fun, and I thank God he choose me...out of all the Mommies, in all the world, he chose me. Thankfully.


Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you…” – Jeremiah 1:5

Two Mommies, one beautiful girl, and Gods plan for a precious child.

Surgery Success!

We successfully survived the first of many surgeries that Lilly will have due to her cleft lip and palate. I was so nervous, but everything went as planned, and Lilly seems to be doing okay. It was quite traumatic at first, but quickly she is returning to her old self. I tell you if I had just had the same surgery I would not be happy at all....but she is, and actually went outside with Baba for awhile to enjoy the beautiful Carolina weather we are having today.



We feels so blessed that Lilly has an awesome craniofacial doctor in Charlotte! He is considered the "guru" of cleft kids, and is often called "the magician". Lilly also has the most AMAZING speech pathologist, named Susie, which Lilly adores! She also has a great craniofacial orthodontist that we will spend tons of time with for the next 15 years! All those people add up to a wonderful team of people dedicated to making life better for these cleft affected kids, adding to the many blessings that have been bestowed on us! This amazing team works tirelessly to make life easier for these kids. We were also treated like royalty by the fabulous workers at Levine's Children's Center. Who could ask for more?
I want to thank everyone who prayed for Lilly, us and the doctors. So many people stopped by to say hello, or called to see if we needed anything, offered food, brought Lilly gifts, emailed, and most of all prayed, and offered support of any kind. We have the best friends and family, and could not have made it through without all of you. Our extended adoption family via the Internet offered prayers from all around the world! That is a HUGE deal, and thank you seems so small compared to the gratitude in my heart, you will never know just how much you are appreciated!