Staking my claim.....

I know I have been absent. I have thought of writing this post 100 times, and yet I haven't. Until today. Today is the day that I am claiming it.

Over the past year and half, I have felt like a snowball rolling down hill. Picking up crud along the way. I've been rolling FAST, too fast. I haven't been able to enjoy the ride very much for worrying about getting THERE.

You see since we have adopted Lilly, I have been playing catch up. Catch up on attachment, catch up on socialization, catch up on education, catch up in language development, catch up on speech, catch up on cleft surgeries, catch up on immunizations, catch up on bonding. CATCH UP, quick, we have to CATCH UP. Are you overwhelmed yet? Because I am.

I haven't posted much about Lilly's last surgery. The bone graft. Third surgery in a year. Just about everything that could have went wrong did. Even requiring a second surgery (which is the 4th surgery) in a year to fix a freak occurrence from the 3rd surgery. Its A LOT.

Then there is school. She does okay.....but we aren't caught up. We are working on that. Attachment. Its always been difficult. Just when I think I have it all figured out, some new things come rearing their ugly heads. And speech. She has made so much progress, but still lacks in areas.

On top of all the catch up I have been dealing with.....the death of my precious grandmother (who died unexpectedly on the day Lilly had the 3rd surgery), my oldest going to college, my middle going to high school, another adoption, etc. I could go on but I think you get the point. Not fun stuff.

Through all this, it finally occurred to me. LET IT GO. I don't HAVE to play catch up anymore. EVERYTHING is not important right now. Right now, I need to love this girl where she is and stop trying to change her to fit the mold that I think she should fit. There is no way that I can catch up for 5 years of lost time over night. Why did I not realize that before? I only have to do what I HAVE to do. The rest will come in time.

"Time opens every door."

I'm staking my claim. I will not worry anymore about getting this child ahead. I will love her where she is planted, and watch her bloom. I will love her the same if she NEVER gets caught up. I want to enjoy more and worry less. It feels good actually, like I just shed a very heavy coat. I will prioritize and we will have small nibbles at life, in manageable pieces, not trying to eat the whole pie at one time.

I just have to love her where she is. Thats all. Its that simple.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Lillys Adoption video

Lillys adoption video is finally complete! Please watch it!

Lilly's Adoption Story from Jim Reece on Vimeo.

A single step

I have a bracelet. It speaks to my heart. Its not valuable really, to anyone but me. My Mom bought it for me during the wait for Lilly. Inscribed on the bracelet it says: The journey to a thousand miles begins with a single step. I have worn it over the years and clung to the words written on it.





A. Single. Step.

One single step. Where would I have been if I had not taken that one single step. What if I listened to the naysayers. What if I had never pursued adoption? What if I would have given up on Lilly's adoption because of the wait. What if I had never trusted God?

Look what I would have missed!

And this.....

Let go. Walk in faith. Take the first step. You don't have to see the whole picture before stepping out. You only have to trust that it is there.

They called us crazy. They still do. Heck, sometimes I think we are too. It doesn't matter what they say. In the end, it all works out to be beautiful.

Merry Christmas to all my cyber friends! I pray that this next year you take a single step in a journey to find your happiness.

BIG NEWS!

I interrupt my terrible blogging skills for this very important announcement:




We have recieved Pre approval to adopt Lilly a little brother. Get the full story at:

http://findingourmissinglink.blogspot.com

A new normal...

As you all know Lilly had her lip and nose revision last week. Of course we loved her face. The one that I studied every detail of since December of 2008. The face that was full of expression. I loved her crooked nose. I. Loved. That. Face.

Our cleft doctor is one of the best on the East coast. Let me say that first. He has a HUGE heart for these cleft kids, and made a commitment to me early on that he would do everything in his power to have her look as "normal" as possible. Which I appreciate....I really do.

BUT....

I can't get used to it.  I feel as if I am mourning the loss of my beautiful child's face.  I wonder if I did the right thing.  Of course, I knew the world wouldn't see the beauty that I did in Lilly's crooked smile. I miss it.  Its a new normal, I suppose.  Maybe with time I will appreciate it.

That is the way it is with Mom's.  We just love our kids, crooked nose and all, and we never want to change their appearance, even if we could. I looked at crooked, and saw perfection.

And I miss it.

Prayers please

I pray that all of my blogger friends will say a prayer for us today. Lilly is having her lip and nose revision, and possible bone graft. Its hard on a Momma heart for her baby to go through so much.Please pray for her doctors, nurses and all the other people who are trying to make things better for her. Pray for her parents too!

Also please pray for my grandmother. She fell last Friday and is bleeding on her brain. She is not responsive.

Two MAJOR things going on this week, so we can really use the prayers.

Updates coming soon! Thank you all!

So I started thinking.....

Today Lilly and I had quite the excursion! We were so tired of hanging around the house for the last few days, so we decide to go explore and see what we could find to get into. First we went to the butterfly museum. Lilly had so much fun looking at the animals and insects...well except the snakes, we were both a bit freaked out by those. Then we had lunch and decided to stop by a thrift store. Lilly is desperately looking for a Powerpuff Girl movie, which we have yet to find. Anyway, at the store there was a shelf of junkie toys that Lilly just HAD to check out. We were standing there, and I was as close to her as I could possibly be, doing NOTHING wrong, when a store employee came up to Lilly and said, in a mean way, " Where is your Mommy, you can not be here alone." Of course as soon as she said it Lilly looked up at me with the What did I do wrong look. Of course I told her I AM her Mommy, in my Momma bear voice. To which she said, " Oh well you don't look like her." I was so shocked, that I did not even have a come back (which if you know me, really IS a shock).

Which got me thinking....

I suppose everyone who looks at us together immediately thinks about our differences, and makes an assumption. I guess I was so shocked because I don't think about it. I look into my daughters face and see nothing more or less but my daughter. Thats all. The face of my child. I don't see Asian. I don't see adoption. I don't see different.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. The employee did not think for a second that she was my daughter! Next time we go back, I WILL be wearing this shirt:


And Lilly will be sporting this one:


After that drama, we went to play at Fiesta Plaza, which was super fun! Then we had ice cream! While at Fiesta Plaza I was talking to this grandmother who had brought her grandchildren to play. She was nice enough, but then she asked "the question". You know the one, Why China? Why not adopt American kids. At this point I was beginning to feel like a carnival freak show. So I said, "well we just thank God that he pointed us to the child that we were meant to have and it has been absolutely perfect. We are so lucky to have her." Thankfully that shut her up. So the next time we go to Fiesta Plaza, I will be wearing a shirt that says this:And Lilly's will say this:




All in all we had a fabulous day, and I refuse to let anyone's ignorance get to me. Although had I had my shirt on and Lilly had her shirt on, and those people had this shirt on, a lot could have been avoided.
Ahhh! I think we will just enjoy a quiet day at home tomorrow.