Sunday, February 6, 2011

Staking my claim.....

I know I have been absent. I have thought of writing this post 100 times, and yet I haven't. Until today. Today is the day that I am claiming it.

Over the past year and half, I have felt like a snowball rolling down hill. Picking up crud along the way. I've been rolling FAST, too fast. I haven't been able to enjoy the ride very much for worrying about getting THERE.

You see since we have adopted Lilly, I have been playing catch up. Catch up on attachment, catch up on socialization, catch up on education, catch up in language development, catch up on speech, catch up on cleft surgeries, catch up on immunizations, catch up on bonding. CATCH UP, quick, we have to CATCH UP. Are you overwhelmed yet? Because I am.

I haven't posted much about Lilly's last surgery. The bone graft. Third surgery in a year. Just about everything that could have went wrong did. Even requiring a second surgery (which is the 4th surgery) in a year to fix a freak occurrence from the 3rd surgery. Its A LOT.

Then there is school. She does okay.....but we aren't caught up. We are working on that. Attachment. Its always been difficult. Just when I think I have it all figured out, some new things come rearing their ugly heads. And speech. She has made so much progress, but still lacks in areas.

On top of all the catch up I have been dealing with.....the death of my precious grandmother (who died unexpectedly on the day Lilly had the 3rd surgery), my oldest going to college, my middle going to high school, another adoption, etc. I could go on but I think you get the point. Not fun stuff.

Through all this, it finally occurred to me. LET IT GO. I don't HAVE to play catch up anymore. EVERYTHING is not important right now. Right now, I need to love this girl where she is and stop trying to change her to fit the mold that I think she should fit. There is no way that I can catch up for 5 years of lost time over night. Why did I not realize that before? I only have to do what I HAVE to do. The rest will come in time.

"Time opens every door."

I'm staking my claim. I will not worry anymore about getting this child ahead. I will love her where she is planted, and watch her bloom. I will love her the same if she NEVER gets caught up. I want to enjoy more and worry less. It feels good actually, like I just shed a very heavy coat. I will prioritize and we will have small nibbles at life, in manageable pieces, not trying to eat the whole pie at one time.

I just have to love her where she is. Thats all. Its that simple.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-13


Virginia said...

Sounds like you've had a year that would leave ANYONE drained. But I'm happy to hear you've found a new perspective. You sound like a very wise woman and a wonderful Mama.

Gin =)

KO said...

I love this post!

I came to the same conclusion recently. I try so hard to 'fix' our daughter so she feels loved, carefree, happy and on a similar level as her peers. I so want it to be 'normal' that I try too hard.

Tonight, when she was tired, cranky and so wanting to push me away, I gave the bath, tooth brush bed battle and held her. I keep saying to myself does it really matter ... let it go. Hard to do but helpful!

Great job, you are doing a lot!

sierrasmom said...

I love the part about watching her bloom from where she is planted...just beautiful and it says it all!! Tonight after a real rough day at work, just 5 minutes of cheek to cheek cuddle time with my girl changed my whole outlook on the day. That five minutes made it an awesome day!!!

Faith, Hope, and Love said...

Amen my friend...thank you for sharing these very wise words!

I always feel like I'm chasing my tail and letting so many down...never accomplishing enough. But some days I just have to let it go and enjoy the moment. I love your analogy of "shedding a heavy coat"!

What a beautiful photo of Lilly!

Love and blessings,

Grace said...

Lilly is beautiful. You all have been through a lot lately. I think you are doing an amazing job and have come to a wonderful conclusion.

FYI-Kayli had her bone graft a year ago. No fun and hers went smoothly.

Stephanie said...

I've loved this post for a long time and keep coming back to it. I think it could bless a lot of people who struggle. Would you be willing to have it reposted on "We Are Grafted In" ( If you are willing, we'd just need a bio and a pic to use when it is featured. Let me know!
co-administrator of WAGI
smurphy28 @ juno . com

Jan said...

Sending you lots and lots of Love, Prayers and (((HUGS)))!!!!!

Traci said...

What a beautiful post. I hope I remember what you said! You helped me a while back by talking to me via email and now we have LOA!