365 days

May 11th, 2009, 8,000 miles away from home, 3:00 am, I toss and turn. Today is the day. We are told to be ready to go at 9:30 am, but at 4, I give into my restlessness and arise. So many emotions swirl that I could not possibly sleep. The day we have waited for over 3 years is finally here, who could sleep? I am sure I paced the floor so many times before we left that I must have worn the carpet. I changed my clothes 3 times.

The ride to the Civil Affairs office was long. I stared out the window watching more people than you could ever imagine on a street in America, go about their daily business. I remember it like yesterday. I have NEVER been more nervous in my life, scared to death of a 5 year old girl. Will she like us? Will she cry? Will she try to run away? Will she recognize us? Every scenario good and bad I played out in my head a 100 times that day.

When we finally made it to the office, it was very hot and small. There were some babies already there, with caregivers, some sleeping some crying, all unrealizing their lives were about to change. There were some parents there too, most of them were Spanish speaking. One by one the babies started being ushered in and handed out, but our Lilly was no where to be seen.

I paced and paced and finally her orphanage director called and said they were running late. I tried to relax and focus on the new families being formed and the beautiful little children. It was a madhouse though, hardly what I had imagined it to be. Surreal.

When I least expected it, she walked in. Expressionless, she looked at us, and studied our features as we did hers. You could tell she was scared, but she did not cry. We were allowed to ask the director some questions about her. She told me that Lilly had thrown up on the way to the office that morning. Ah, she was just as scared as me. She told me how smart Lilly was and how she made her bed nicely everyday. Besides that she had little to say, and did not tell me anything too personal about my child. I can't help but think she did not know about her. in no time we were done. I wish I had some fairy tell story but I do not. That quickly in that loud chaotic room were handed our child. Strangers were now a family.

We left and on the ride back to the hotel there had to be a million things Lilly was thinking. One single tear ran down her cheek as we left all she had ever known behind. That one tear symbolized so much. In that moment I questioned what we were doing to this sweet child and if it was right. That tear broke my heart. She was so brave, she was going through more than any 5 year old ever should have to.

Later that night, and for many months after she cried and grieved for all that was familiar. There is pain in adoption. For us that day was all we had dreamed of, but for our sweet girl, it was a living nightmare. I can not imagine. She has told us since then that she was "very, very scary Momma and Baba, in China, but now I love you."

We celebrate this day as a mark in time, 365 days since we united together, but I feel guilty about it in a way. It was such a traumatic time for her that I hate remembering the pain she felt.

Thank you God for the past 365 days of blessings you have bestowed on us.



For those who have been around for a year now, here is a before and after shot. We put the "China clothes" on (that she REFUSED to change in China) for old times sake. This time 365 days later she was mad that I made her put them on. Sorry I couldn't find an oreo. : )






I will be back soon with my reflections from this year.