A year of emotions

Finding words to sufficiently sum up the past year of our lives is nearly impossible. There has been every emotion known to man displayed. There were so many things I did not know, or think about a year ago. My heart and mind have grown right along with Lilly.

Initially there were big problems. The kind that are more than a little overwhelming. Luckily our Social Worker had warned us about these things, and we were as prepared as you possibly could be. I had read the books, but experiencing it yourself is a bit different. Lilly did not trust us....at all. She did not trust us to love her, feed her, cloth her, keep her safe, or any other thing that most 5 year old children take for granted. SO she controlled everything. She needed to be in control to keep herself safe, as she had done in China for 5 years of her life. No one really loved her there, so she made sure her needs were met herself. She had huge tantrums, not just kiddie tantrums, big ones, where she tried to hurt us and herself. Can you imagine being so scared at 5 years old that you feel you have to "fight" for yourself? I am sure in those moments if you would have asked her if she wanted to go back to China she may have very well said YES! How do you explain to this child that we love her more than anything and we WILL take care of her? You don't. Love is an action....we had to prove it. And slowly over time, she began to trust, and let her control go, and we saw a sweet beautiful daughter emerge from this frighted, terrified girl....and she started blooming, right before our eyes.

THAT is a beautiful thing.

As Lilly bloomed, and we came to understand more about her, attachment and bonding, things got much easier. Everyday she made progress. Everyday things became easier, everyday we worked hard and succeed. Little bitty baby steps. Was it hard? YES! Was it worth it? A million times YES! Would I do it again? In a second!

Our social worker did warn us about the risks, and the troubles we may have. BUT, there are many things our social worker did not tell us about. She did not tell us how every morning we would be so excited just to see her face, and know she is ours. She did not tell us that there will be days of abundant joy that make up for the bad days ten fold. She did not tell us that we would be on our knees thanking God for picking us to be her parents. She did not tell us that we would be the lucky ones.

I am glad she didn't because I would have never believed her.

The moment I laid eyes on Lilly I knew I could not love her anymore had she come to be mine through any different avenue. She was mine, just as my other two were. I love her no less or no more, and never will. She filled a hole in my heart, that I never really knew I had, and I think we filled one in her heart too. I know we were meant to be together, and that just about sums it up.

Forever Family.